Eww Ewww Ewww Eww!: Man gets eel stuck in his pee’pee!

Im just telling ya’ll that the thing in his pee’pee was no eel, it was my penis. Wait what? Yeah , that’s right, a penis within a penis. ITS INCEPTION ALL OVER AGAIN! *sad face*

WARNING: Any guys reading this, hold your pee’pee’s now! Zhang Nan went to a his local beauty spa, and requested to have one of those eel-fish spa thingys. Before we move on, i just want to clear up, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE WANTING TO BE EATEN BY PENIS SHAPED THINGS. I mean seriously, that’s what Bukakae is for (*deep black guys voice* Awhhhhh yeahhhhh) Anyway, half way through his treatment, he felt a really sharp pain in his tinker (this is where it gets sick):

'I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis

*throws up all over keyboard* I wish this was the worst of it, but no, it just keeps it on going, THE HORROR

'I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis”

AHHH why did i have to choose this story, now i’m trying to guess where letters are on my keyboard as there is sick everywhere. SEE WHAT YOU GUYS DO TO ME, I QUIT! But seriously, i wish this was the end, but it gets even worse. The doctor who led the operation to take the eel my penis out of his penis said:

"The diameter of the urethra in a man’s penis is just a little narrower, but because eels are quite slippery, its body worked as a lubricant and so it got into the penis smoothly,’

Atleast we all now know that to enter a man’s pee-pee all you need is Lube, AND LOTS OF IT.

Lesson Learnt: Lube can sort out any situation, like that time me and your mom did tha………

I want 200, in every colour possible: The Apocalyptic Survival Tool

What is the need for a mysterious contraption like this?! Well so you can literally “save your ass” in a zombie your mum invasion (same difference though right?!) 

This funny looking thing is called my penis The Crovel, and just the thought of it makes every little boy grown man jizz a little like a sperm whale. It basically another elaborate sex toy the Swiss Army Knife of Shovels, and contains 13 different tools on one thing. Here is a list of the things it contains:

  1. Shovel
  2. Crowbar
  3. Nail Remover/ Door Opener
  4. Axe
  5. Hoe (I have no idea what it is, accept for a word to describe you!)
  6. Hammer
  7. Serrated Knife 
  8. Saw 
  9. Cleaver Cleavage
  10. Machete
  11. Can Opener 
  12. Grappling Groping Hook
  13. Chair

I use my Groping Hook all the time, however its more stick shaped, and attached to my body………...JESUS WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASSUME I’M TALKING ABOUT MY PENIS (because I am) MOOOOOOMY MY FRIENDS ARE PICKING ON ME *sad face* . The one thing I don’t get is why they have a can opener on there. Seriously? How the hell would you be able to open a can, without smashing it to fucking shreds?! To be honest, (tbh lol shut the fuck up) I have no idea what half the things that are on their do, and neither should you (Wait,what?!) WHO CARES! just buy it, it could save your life, unless you have a penis like mine, then your safe. 

Lesson Learnt: You are a "Hoe" and have a big "Cleavage", now come "Hammer" my "Crow Bar"

I want one!: Uber fast Mobility scooter takes on plane and wins!

I dont care how you look at it, this guy has balls ovaries of steel!

A guy named Colin,(seen here taking a massive dump on the go) race modified a mobility scooter. You can tell this guy doesn’t get laid much, accept for the line of Gran’s lined up outside his house to test out his suspension” *wink wink, puke*. He put a 125cc motorcycle engine in the back just to see if it would work, tested  it out on a public road. He ended up with a speeding ticket registering 75.9 mph on a 30 mph road, and somehow avoided going to court (probably by giving a blowjob to the policeman, its what i’d do ive done). Anyway, he thought it would be cool to have a drag race against a aeroplane, and got his head chopped off! Well…….not quite, he won and lived to tell the tale (selfish bastard). He is now working on a 250cc engine model, in which he hopes to beat a superbike…… That aint happening. 

Lesson Learnt: Grandma’s are not too keen on anal…. 

Ewwwww!: New York artist creates cheese made from breast milk

HOORAY, A RELATED PHOTO!! (too bad its a fat women with her droopy Mc-Droopletons out on display, next to what i think is a chessemaker vibrator)

The one thing that annoys me the most is that it says "Artist". Seriously, she makes milk from her fucking breasts and its called art. I dip my hand penis in a paint can and slap it on a random guys face on the bus, and I get a lawsuit and a restraining order. SCREW YOU PICASO! Basically this women thought it would be artistic to find 3 nursing women, stick some turkey basters to there titties and yank like a motherfuckerWell, not like that, but who cares? (Me). Anyway, she then did some boring stuff and then turned it into cheese. Here is the disgusiting part;

"There a 3 Distinct Flavours, West-Side Funk, Midtown Smoke and Wisconsin Chew."

I’m sorry, what?! Flavours of breast milk cheese?! *Puke’s in cup, drinks the cup, puke’s in cup again* They may as well be called one thing, Blue Stillborn (low blow i know, but funny, right? RIGHT?) 

Lesson Learnt: Picaso is a douchebag. 

My Bad: Sex Toy leads to the Po’Po breaking down doors

Oh how this photo make me laugh horny. Nothing like getting pleasure from his head. I mean just look at that cute little tie! However, this is nothing to do with the story….or does it…(No)

A distressed elderly neighbour had reported that the next door apartment was using a power-drill/jackhammer late at night. Seriously? if an old batty women called you up in the middle of the night and said, SOMEONE IS USING A JACKHAMMER NEXT DOOR, HELP ME”, your initial reaction would be to block her number track her down and shoot her in the face (well atleast i would anyway). But anyway, as per usual, the Po’Po were called, and they tried for 30 minutes to get into the house, as the home-owner was not in. Because she wasn’t in (I’m guessing hoping it was a she), they burst her fucking down her door. They concluded that a Dildo had turned itself on automatically (ROBOTIC ARMAGEDDON, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!), and had been vibrating on the floor(Well you know, floors do get pretty lonely). The Po’Po turned off the dildo, and just walked out, leaving the home owner with a nice little gift of a turd in her toilet  NO FRONT DOOR (which she will have to replace). I bet if she was in their using it, they would fix the door back with their bare feet penises.

Lesson Learnt: ROBOTIC ARMAGEDDON IS HERE, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! 

JUST LOL: Douchebags break into SAS van, Smelly outcome.

I hate the youth of today (but you are the youth of today) SHUT UP MOM!

Some teenagers in Manchester decided to go out for a nice family dinner  Van-breaking-into-just-for-the-crack (couldn’t they just of masturbated or something? Its what I do anyway…) Meanwhile, The SAS were doing a secret training mission, and were in an unmarked black van. Can you see where this is going? (Not really.) The surround surveillance team said that if the teenagers do break in, to give them a little treat (Gotta love the army, except for the daily butt sex. Im joking, its oral.). Anyway, the teenagers did decide to break into the van, probably THE stupidest thing they could have done. The SAS guys, fully kitted out with guns, gas masks, lube, etc, performed a routine "GET THE FUCK ON THE GROUND!!!!!" check. (id give them an 7/10). The look on the kids faces must have been a sight of pure beauty. Kinda like your Mom Nan. It would have been like walking in on your parents having dirty butt sex, but with your gun to your face. (giggidy giggidy goo) As well as this, they probably shat a brick House. I guess its pretty safe to say that they wont be breaking into vans for a long time, or walking for that matter, as their ringsting must be fierce! *sings Ring of Fire - Jonny Cash* 

Lesson Learnt: Dont fuck with the army, or they will fuck you. (why else is their acronym an anagram for ASS)

Wait, What?: Bullet lodged in man’s brain for 23 years

Basically this Chinese dude called Wang Tianqing (hehehehe….Wang) had a bullet stuck in his brain for 23 freaking years, and hadn’t a clue. Like always, SAY WHAT?! You get pew-pew’ed in the head and don’t notice it? That’s like cutting off your penis and then not realising why you taking it up the ass this time round (I like it up the ass anyway, so its all good). Apparently he remembers getting cock slapped hit on the back of the head with something, and then passing out. He just thought it was his friends with a sling shot. I think there’s a big difference between a slingshot and a pew-pew machine (and my penis, but that’s a different story). I hope the guy who shot him jumped in the air like a little school girl and shouted "Headshot!", and then go eat some instant noodles. It seems like the natural thing to do, right? right? RIGHT? 

Link: http://frenchtribune.com/teneur/114703-bullet-brain-23-years

COOOL!: Orange gel can make virtually anything Bulletproof

They guy in the picture who seems to be playing with something that he just pulled out of his ass, is actually the inventor of this mysterious gel (looks like shit if you ask me). The stuff is called D30, but id much rather prefer to call it Orange-Bulletproof-Putty-Thing, but its your call. It has "amazing shock-absorbing qualities" (like my penis) and "can be applied to literally anything" (also like my penis). Applied to anything hey? How about if I smeared it all over my body and ran out into the streets of Baghdad? No Pro, you’d probably look like an inside out Jaffa Cake. But on the serious side (there was no serious side to begin with, dip shit), this stuff is pretty cool, and could quite possible save your ass one day. (nobody cares so stop talking!) 

Link: http://www.hightech-edge.com/military-gel-d30-bullet-proof-shock-absorbing-material/4135/

I want 1000 crates, NOW!: Beer brewed with Viagra

What could possibly go wrong, getting a hard on the more you drink?! Probably the fact of getting publicly humiliated when your boner touches your best friends leg, and you pass it off as your hand…. or trying to explain to your mum why you’ve got your hands down your trousers…. But apart from that, i dont see what could go wrong!  Its £10 per bottle, which is a bit expensive but hey, the royal wedding is near, WHO GIVES A SHIT! (me… prick) If you want some, the link is bellow, but watch out, there is only 1000 bottles left!

http://www.brewdog.com/product/royal-virility-performance