Too Hot to Handle: Irish pensioner dies from spontaneous human combustion’

(This actually me just trying to catch a tan. I know its not the best way, but the recession hit hard on me bro!)

An old Irish guy was found dead drunk in his house leprechaun shoe, and it is believed that he spontaneously combusted. If you were to ask me, he probably drank so much that when he tried to light his pipe, he went KA-BOOM-BOOM. The coroner  leprechaun who led the investigation trail to the pot of gold said it was the first time in 25 years he had ever seen this sort of thing. Me? Nahh I see this shit all the time. People just see my face penis and explode due to its abnormally big small size. STOP STARING ALREADY. 

Lesson Learnt: Smoking and drinking is a bad idea the bestest thing you could ever do ever *cheeky grin*

My Bad: Sex Toy leads to the Po’Po breaking down doors

Oh how this photo make me laugh horny. Nothing like getting pleasure from his head. I mean just look at that cute little tie! However, this is nothing to do with the story….or does it…(No)

A distressed elderly neighbour had reported that the next door apartment was using a power-drill/jackhammer late at night. Seriously? if an old batty women called you up in the middle of the night and said, SOMEONE IS USING A JACKHAMMER NEXT DOOR, HELP ME”, your initial reaction would be to block her number track her down and shoot her in the face (well atleast i would anyway). But anyway, as per usual, the Po’Po were called, and they tried for 30 minutes to get into the house, as the home-owner was not in. Because she wasn’t in (I’m guessing hoping it was a she), they burst her fucking down her door. They concluded that a Dildo had turned itself on automatically (ROBOTIC ARMAGEDDON, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!), and had been vibrating on the floor(Well you know, floors do get pretty lonely). The Po’Po turned off the dildo, and just walked out, leaving the home owner with a nice little gift of a turd in her toilet  NO FRONT DOOR (which she will have to replace). I bet if she was in their using it, they would fix the door back with their bare feet penises.

Lesson Learnt: ROBOTIC ARMAGEDDON IS HERE, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!