Eww Ewww Ewww Eww!: Man gets eel stuck in his pee’pee!

Im just telling ya’ll that the thing in his pee’pee was no eel, it was my penis. Wait what? Yeah , that’s right, a penis within a penis. ITS INCEPTION ALL OVER AGAIN! *sad face*

WARNING: Any guys reading this, hold your pee’pee’s now! Zhang Nan went to a his local beauty spa, and requested to have one of those eel-fish spa thingys. Before we move on, i just want to clear up, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE WANTING TO BE EATEN BY PENIS SHAPED THINGS. I mean seriously, that’s what Bukakae is for (*deep black guys voice* Awhhhhh yeahhhhh) Anyway, half way through his treatment, he felt a really sharp pain in his tinker (this is where it gets sick):

'I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis

*throws up all over keyboard* I wish this was the worst of it, but no, it just keeps it on going, THE HORROR

'I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis”

AHHH why did i have to choose this story, now i’m trying to guess where letters are on my keyboard as there is sick everywhere. SEE WHAT YOU GUYS DO TO ME, I QUIT! But seriously, i wish this was the end, but it gets even worse. The doctor who led the operation to take the eel my penis out of his penis said:

"The diameter of the urethra in a man’s penis is just a little narrower, but because eels are quite slippery, its body worked as a lubricant and so it got into the penis smoothly,’

Atleast we all now know that to enter a man’s pee-pee all you need is Lube, AND LOTS OF IT.

Lesson Learnt: Lube can sort out any situation, like that time me and your mom did tha………

What The Fuck?: Man tries to take Pony on Train, Fails miserably

Yeah well, this one time, I tried to take something really big and fleshy on the train, and they would allow me to travel either. What, it was my ham sandwich?! I’m joking, you guys know what it is….right?……RIGHT?…….STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Here shows CCTV footage released by Arriva Trains Wales shows an man trying to take his pony onto a train. At 7:02 he was seen trying to enter the train  in Wrexham with his pony, and got rejected immediately. WHAT?! I KNOW! I dont see why they rejected him! Its not as if he was gonna start riding it up and down (thats what she said)  the isle, shitting all over peoples faces. However that would be disgusting hilarious! All he needs is some battle armour, then he would look bad-ass. What confuses me is, how the fuck did he get there in the first place? I’m imagining he used the pony to jump over the barrier things whilst shouting, "FOR FREEEEEEDOM!!!!!" in a bad Scottish accent with blue paint all over his face……….too much? (Yup.) 

Lesson Learnt: You cant take Ponies on trains (ewwwwwww not like that, okay, maybe like that, but still.) 

I want one!: Uber fast Mobility scooter takes on plane and wins!

I dont care how you look at it, this guy has balls ovaries of steel!

A guy named Colin,(seen here taking a massive dump on the go) race modified a mobility scooter. You can tell this guy doesn’t get laid much, accept for the line of Gran’s lined up outside his house to test out his suspension” *wink wink, puke*. He put a 125cc motorcycle engine in the back just to see if it would work, tested  it out on a public road. He ended up with a speeding ticket registering 75.9 mph on a 30 mph road, and somehow avoided going to court (probably by giving a blowjob to the policeman, its what i’d do ive done). Anyway, he thought it would be cool to have a drag race against a aeroplane, and got his head chopped off! Well…….not quite, he won and lived to tell the tale (selfish bastard). He is now working on a 250cc engine model, in which he hopes to beat a superbike…… That aint happening. 

Lesson Learnt: Grandma’s are not too keen on anal…. 

My Bad: Sex Toy leads to the Po’Po breaking down doors

Oh how this photo make me laugh horny. Nothing like getting pleasure from his head. I mean just look at that cute little tie! However, this is nothing to do with the story….or does it…(No)

A distressed elderly neighbour had reported that the next door apartment was using a power-drill/jackhammer late at night. Seriously? if an old batty women called you up in the middle of the night and said, SOMEONE IS USING A JACKHAMMER NEXT DOOR, HELP ME”, your initial reaction would be to block her number track her down and shoot her in the face (well atleast i would anyway). But anyway, as per usual, the Po’Po were called, and they tried for 30 minutes to get into the house, as the home-owner was not in. Because she wasn’t in (I’m guessing hoping it was a she), they burst her fucking down her door. They concluded that a Dildo had turned itself on automatically (ROBOTIC ARMAGEDDON, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!), and had been vibrating on the floor(Well you know, floors do get pretty lonely). The Po’Po turned off the dildo, and just walked out, leaving the home owner with a nice little gift of a turd in her toilet  NO FRONT DOOR (which she will have to replace). I bet if she was in their using it, they would fix the door back with their bare feet penises.

Lesson Learnt: ROBOTIC ARMAGEDDON IS HERE, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! 

JUST LOL: Douchebags break into SAS van, Smelly outcome.

I hate the youth of today (but you are the youth of today) SHUT UP MOM!

Some teenagers in Manchester decided to go out for a nice family dinner  Van-breaking-into-just-for-the-crack (couldn’t they just of masturbated or something? Its what I do anyway…) Meanwhile, The SAS were doing a secret training mission, and were in an unmarked black van. Can you see where this is going? (Not really.) The surround surveillance team said that if the teenagers do break in, to give them a little treat (Gotta love the army, except for the daily butt sex. Im joking, its oral.). Anyway, the teenagers did decide to break into the van, probably THE stupidest thing they could have done. The SAS guys, fully kitted out with guns, gas masks, lube, etc, performed a routine "GET THE FUCK ON THE GROUND!!!!!" check. (id give them an 7/10). The look on the kids faces must have been a sight of pure beauty. Kinda like your Mom Nan. It would have been like walking in on your parents having dirty butt sex, but with your gun to your face. (giggidy giggidy goo) As well as this, they probably shat a brick House. I guess its pretty safe to say that they wont be breaking into vans for a long time, or walking for that matter, as their ringsting must be fierce! *sings Ring of Fire - Jonny Cash* 

Lesson Learnt: Dont fuck with the army, or they will fuck you. (why else is their acronym an anagram for ASS)