Wait, What?: Game show in the Netherlands ‘pits asylum seekers against each other’

I know you guys are thinking, “Why doesnt the picture load further down any more” trust me, I waited about 10 minutes for it to load, and all I got was a concussion  and a really muscley right arm…… IM A LONELY GUY OKAY!

I know you are probably think im making this up, but im being one hundred percent serious! This game show literally puts a bunch of people that have been denied access into the country on a game show, in which they answer some questions about anything clogs and windmills, in attempt to win a cash prize SOME LAAAAAAAAAAAAAGER! Here is a quote which made me laugh puke:

'The candidates are not actors, they are genuine unsuccessful asylum seekers who have to leave this country within a month or two. Consolation prizes include tulip bulbs and a bullet-proof vest.”

Wait, im sorry, WHAT?? Not only are you making fun of that they are not allowed into the country, but just to rub it in, We’ll give you a bullet proof vest, JUST TO REMIND YOU OF WHAT A SHIT TIP YOU JUST CAME FROM! MW HA HA HA!!11 I think this show is a disgrace fucking brilliant! I would watch it, but I might get distracted by the stupidly hot show girls, and might try attempt to get deported just so I could see have hardcore butt sex with them……..SHOTGUN RECEIVING!

Lesson Learnt: Windmills + Clogs = LAGERRRRS ALL ROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111


Eww Ewww Ewww Eww!: Man gets eel stuck in his pee’pee!

Im just telling ya’ll that the thing in his pee’pee was no eel, it was my penis. Wait what? Yeah , that’s right, a penis within a penis. ITS INCEPTION ALL OVER AGAIN! *sad face*

WARNING: Any guys reading this, hold your pee’pee’s now! Zhang Nan went to a his local beauty spa, and requested to have one of those eel-fish spa thingys. Before we move on, i just want to clear up, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE WANTING TO BE EATEN BY PENIS SHAPED THINGS. I mean seriously, that’s what Bukakae is for (*deep black guys voice* Awhhhhh yeahhhhh) Anyway, half way through his treatment, he felt a really sharp pain in his tinker (this is where it gets sick):

'I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis

*throws up all over keyboard* I wish this was the worst of it, but no, it just keeps it on going, THE HORROR

'I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis”

AHHH why did i have to choose this story, now i’m trying to guess where letters are on my keyboard as there is sick everywhere. SEE WHAT YOU GUYS DO TO ME, I QUIT! But seriously, i wish this was the end, but it gets even worse. The doctor who led the operation to take the eel my penis out of his penis said:

"The diameter of the urethra in a man’s penis is just a little narrower, but because eels are quite slippery, its body worked as a lubricant and so it got into the penis smoothly,’

Atleast we all now know that to enter a man’s pee-pee all you need is Lube, AND LOTS OF IT.

Lesson Learnt: Lube can sort out any situation, like that time me and your mom did tha………

IM BAAAAACK, AGAINNN!

I just thought this photo was HILARIOUS, who doesn’t like seeing a ginger kid crying……..EXACTLY! I thought i’d put it in to get your attention. Now that I have it, I’m going to rape you………wait, I meant…..no, I meant rape.

Im actually gonna try and keep up with this thing, FO’REAL! and if not, you have the full right to punch me in the face Penis

Much love to everyone who actually takes time to read the pointless things i have to say about pointless stuff!

Your’s BITCHFULLY

God. 

What The Fuck?: Man tries to take Pony on Train, Fails miserably

Yeah well, this one time, I tried to take something really big and fleshy on the train, and they would allow me to travel either. What, it was my ham sandwich?! I’m joking, you guys know what it is….right?……RIGHT?…….STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Here shows CCTV footage released by Arriva Trains Wales shows an man trying to take his pony onto a train. At 7:02 he was seen trying to enter the train  in Wrexham with his pony, and got rejected immediately. WHAT?! I KNOW! I dont see why they rejected him! Its not as if he was gonna start riding it up and down (thats what she said)  the isle, shitting all over peoples faces. However that would be disgusting hilarious! All he needs is some battle armour, then he would look bad-ass. What confuses me is, how the fuck did he get there in the first place? I’m imagining he used the pony to jump over the barrier things whilst shouting, "FOR FREEEEEEDOM!!!!!" in a bad Scottish accent with blue paint all over his face……….too much? (Yup.) 

Lesson Learnt: You cant take Ponies on trains (ewwwwwww not like that, okay, maybe like that, but still.) 

I’MMMMMMMMMMM BAAAAACCCCCCCCCCK!!!!!

We know your bla…oh wait. 

THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS! IM BACK HORNY!!!!!! Sorry if you guys were really happy mindlessly bored and wanted something topically interesting to read and didn’t find it, because i wasn’t here, I was to busy being not busy (Wait, what?!) Anyway, stick around as ill be posting things hopefully daily , or whenever the fuck I feel like updating it, BITCH. *cheeky grin*

PEACE AND LOVE

Super Chocolate Bear *signature* 

I want one!: Uber fast Mobility scooter takes on plane and wins!

I dont care how you look at it, this guy has balls ovaries of steel!

A guy named Colin,(seen here taking a massive dump on the go) race modified a mobility scooter. You can tell this guy doesn’t get laid much, accept for the line of Gran’s lined up outside his house to test out his suspension” *wink wink, puke*. He put a 125cc motorcycle engine in the back just to see if it would work, tested  it out on a public road. He ended up with a speeding ticket registering 75.9 mph on a 30 mph road, and somehow avoided going to court (probably by giving a blowjob to the policeman, its what i’d do ive done). Anyway, he thought it would be cool to have a drag race against a aeroplane, and got his head chopped off! Well…….not quite, he won and lived to tell the tale (selfish bastard). He is now working on a 250cc engine model, in which he hopes to beat a superbike…… That aint happening. 

Lesson Learnt: Grandma’s are not too keen on anal…. 

My Bad: Sex Toy leads to the Po’Po breaking down doors

Oh how this photo make me laugh horny. Nothing like getting pleasure from his head. I mean just look at that cute little tie! However, this is nothing to do with the story….or does it…(No)

A distressed elderly neighbour had reported that the next door apartment was using a power-drill/jackhammer late at night. Seriously? if an old batty women called you up in the middle of the night and said, SOMEONE IS USING A JACKHAMMER NEXT DOOR, HELP ME”, your initial reaction would be to block her number track her down and shoot her in the face (well atleast i would anyway). But anyway, as per usual, the Po’Po were called, and they tried for 30 minutes to get into the house, as the home-owner was not in. Because she wasn’t in (I’m guessing hoping it was a she), they burst her fucking down her door. They concluded that a Dildo had turned itself on automatically (ROBOTIC ARMAGEDDON, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!), and had been vibrating on the floor(Well you know, floors do get pretty lonely). The Po’Po turned off the dildo, and just walked out, leaving the home owner with a nice little gift of a turd in her toilet  NO FRONT DOOR (which she will have to replace). I bet if she was in their using it, they would fix the door back with their bare feet penises.

Lesson Learnt: ROBOTIC ARMAGEDDON IS HERE, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! 

I would do that: Pub singer arrested over singing Kung Fu Fighting in front of Chinese people

Im only doing this post so I can include this picture, or because i have nothing better to do, WHO KNOWS (not me thats for sure) 

This pub singer in the Isle of Wight was casually singing at as bar. The song that the decided to sing was Kung Fu Fighting (HIIIIYHAAAAA). At the same time some Chinese dude walked passed (im guessing in Tuxedo’s, with sunglasses and a samurai sword strapped to their back), and got aroused offended, and then called their private ninja’s the Po’Po. The guy is now under arrest for racial harassment and is currently being fucked up the ass by a prison warden named Beatrice (she’s got a strap-on, or is a man, either way it was huge!). I do feel sorry for the guy though, i mean its not as if when they walked passed he shouted,

"WHEE AR CHINESE PEPOWL" *whilst squinting his eyes, and drinking Saki*  (however I would pay to see that) 

Lesson Learnt: LETS ALL DRINK SAKI!!!!!!11

JUST LOL: Douchebags break into SAS van, Smelly outcome.

I hate the youth of today (but you are the youth of today) SHUT UP MOM!

Some teenagers in Manchester decided to go out for a nice family dinner  Van-breaking-into-just-for-the-crack (couldn’t they just of masturbated or something? Its what I do anyway…) Meanwhile, The SAS were doing a secret training mission, and were in an unmarked black van. Can you see where this is going? (Not really.) The surround surveillance team said that if the teenagers do break in, to give them a little treat (Gotta love the army, except for the daily butt sex. Im joking, its oral.). Anyway, the teenagers did decide to break into the van, probably THE stupidest thing they could have done. The SAS guys, fully kitted out with guns, gas masks, lube, etc, performed a routine "GET THE FUCK ON THE GROUND!!!!!" check. (id give them an 7/10). The look on the kids faces must have been a sight of pure beauty. Kinda like your Mom Nan. It would have been like walking in on your parents having dirty butt sex, but with your gun to your face. (giggidy giggidy goo) As well as this, they probably shat a brick House. I guess its pretty safe to say that they wont be breaking into vans for a long time, or walking for that matter, as their ringsting must be fierce! *sings Ring of Fire - Jonny Cash* 

Lesson Learnt: Dont fuck with the army, or they will fuck you. (why else is their acronym an anagram for ASS)

PRAISE THE LORD!: Digital Economy Act scrapped

Errr, why should i care?! Why, why, WHY??????????? Well basically the guys down at BT and TalkTalk wanted to monitor what we downloaded, blah blah blah blah blah, and if we download anything, THEY KILLS US, well not quite, BUT THEY KILL US. That’s what the plan was, and was the part of the governments plan to stop illegal downloading (like that’s ever gonna happen). But the court people  were all like, "OH NO YOU DID’AYNT GURL", so now we can carry on downloading shit off Pirate Bay and shit, without the fear of being probed in the ass by the Po’Po. HORRAY! 

Link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-13141986