Eww Ewww Ewww Eww!: Man gets eel stuck in his pee’pee!

Im just telling ya’ll that the thing in his pee’pee was no eel, it was my penis. Wait what? Yeah , that’s right, a penis within a penis. ITS INCEPTION ALL OVER AGAIN! *sad face*

WARNING: Any guys reading this, hold your pee’pee’s now! Zhang Nan went to a his local beauty spa, and requested to have one of those eel-fish spa thingys. Before we move on, i just want to clear up, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE WANTING TO BE EATEN BY PENIS SHAPED THINGS. I mean seriously, that’s what Bukakae is for (*deep black guys voice* Awhhhhh yeahhhhh) Anyway, half way through his treatment, he felt a really sharp pain in his tinker (this is where it gets sick):

'I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis

*throws up all over keyboard* I wish this was the worst of it, but no, it just keeps it on going, THE HORROR

'I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis”

AHHH why did i have to choose this story, now i’m trying to guess where letters are on my keyboard as there is sick everywhere. SEE WHAT YOU GUYS DO TO ME, I QUIT! But seriously, i wish this was the end, but it gets even worse. The doctor who led the operation to take the eel my penis out of his penis said:

"The diameter of the urethra in a man’s penis is just a little narrower, but because eels are quite slippery, its body worked as a lubricant and so it got into the penis smoothly,’

Atleast we all now know that to enter a man’s pee-pee all you need is Lube, AND LOTS OF IT.

Lesson Learnt: Lube can sort out any situation, like that time me and your mom did tha………

Too Hot to Handle: Irish pensioner dies from spontaneous human combustion’

(This actually me just trying to catch a tan. I know its not the best way, but the recession hit hard on me bro!)

An old Irish guy was found dead drunk in his house leprechaun shoe, and it is believed that he spontaneously combusted. If you were to ask me, he probably drank so much that when he tried to light his pipe, he went KA-BOOM-BOOM. The coroner  leprechaun who led the investigation trail to the pot of gold said it was the first time in 25 years he had ever seen this sort of thing. Me? Nahh I see this shit all the time. People just see my face penis and explode due to its abnormally big small size. STOP STARING ALREADY. 

Lesson Learnt: Smoking and drinking is a bad idea the bestest thing you could ever do ever *cheeky grin*

AWHH HELL NO!: Bloblfish near to Extinction

Awhh just look at that slimy disgusting vile looking snot-drooling thing…….What I was talking about the picture YOUR FACE. (Come on, tell me you didnt see that coming?) 

DAYUM NATURE, YOU SCARY! Im afraid it is true. Mr Blobfish over here is nearing extinction. I’m not sure whether we should all be jumping for joy, or masturbating, what, WHAT? I didn’t say nuthin’, why is everyone looking at me? *tries to imitate the Blobfish’s Face*. In a way I do kinda feel sorry for the guy, I mean its not like he’s done anything wrong, except for looking so depressed it makes me depressed , and so I end up on my bedroom floor contemplating suicide whilst listening to My Chemical Romance………dont lie, we’ve all done it, RIGHT? Anyway, here is what the experts have to say about this emo-fish cuttin’ himself and shit:

increasing levels of deep-sea fishing in Australia and Tasmania for crab and lobster mean that they are being dragged up with other catches in increasing numbers.”

STUPID AUZZIES, go play cricket or something, however playing cricket with a Blobfish would be cruel HIL-ARIOUS. But in all seriousness, lets hope that these little depressed things dont go cuttin’ themselves just yet.