I want 200, in every colour possible: The Apocalyptic Survival Tool

What is the need for a mysterious contraption like this?! Well so you can literally “save your ass” in a zombie your mum invasion (same difference though right?!) 

This funny looking thing is called my penis The Crovel, and just the thought of it makes every little boy grown man jizz a little like a sperm whale. It basically another elaborate sex toy the Swiss Army Knife of Shovels, and contains 13 different tools on one thing. Here is a list of the things it contains:

  1. Shovel
  2. Crowbar
  3. Nail Remover/ Door Opener
  4. Axe
  5. Hoe (I have no idea what it is, accept for a word to describe you!)
  6. Hammer
  7. Serrated Knife 
  8. Saw 
  9. Cleaver Cleavage
  10. Machete
  11. Can Opener 
  12. Grappling Groping Hook
  13. Chair

I use my Groping Hook all the time, however its more stick shaped, and attached to my body………...JESUS WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASSUME I’M TALKING ABOUT MY PENIS (because I am) MOOOOOOMY MY FRIENDS ARE PICKING ON ME *sad face* . The one thing I don’t get is why they have a can opener on there. Seriously? How the hell would you be able to open a can, without smashing it to fucking shreds?! To be honest, (tbh lol shut the fuck up) I have no idea what half the things that are on their do, and neither should you (Wait,what?!) WHO CARES! just buy it, it could save your life, unless you have a penis like mine, then your safe. 

Lesson Learnt: You are a "Hoe" and have a big "Cleavage", now come "Hammer" my "Crow Bar"

JUST LOL: Douchebags break into SAS van, Smelly outcome.

I hate the youth of today (but you are the youth of today) SHUT UP MOM!

Some teenagers in Manchester decided to go out for a nice family dinner  Van-breaking-into-just-for-the-crack (couldn’t they just of masturbated or something? Its what I do anyway…) Meanwhile, The SAS were doing a secret training mission, and were in an unmarked black van. Can you see where this is going? (Not really.) The surround surveillance team said that if the teenagers do break in, to give them a little treat (Gotta love the army, except for the daily butt sex. Im joking, its oral.). Anyway, the teenagers did decide to break into the van, probably THE stupidest thing they could have done. The SAS guys, fully kitted out with guns, gas masks, lube, etc, performed a routine "GET THE FUCK ON THE GROUND!!!!!" check. (id give them an 7/10). The look on the kids faces must have been a sight of pure beauty. Kinda like your Mom Nan. It would have been like walking in on your parents having dirty butt sex, but with your gun to your face. (giggidy giggidy goo) As well as this, they probably shat a brick House. I guess its pretty safe to say that they wont be breaking into vans for a long time, or walking for that matter, as their ringsting must be fierce! *sings Ring of Fire - Jonny Cash* 

Lesson Learnt: Dont fuck with the army, or they will fuck you. (why else is their acronym an anagram for ASS)

COOOL!: Orange gel can make virtually anything Bulletproof

They guy in the picture who seems to be playing with something that he just pulled out of his ass, is actually the inventor of this mysterious gel (looks like shit if you ask me). The stuff is called D30, but id much rather prefer to call it Orange-Bulletproof-Putty-Thing, but its your call. It has "amazing shock-absorbing qualities" (like my penis) and "can be applied to literally anything" (also like my penis). Applied to anything hey? How about if I smeared it all over my body and ran out into the streets of Baghdad? No Pro, you’d probably look like an inside out Jaffa Cake. But on the serious side (there was no serious side to begin with, dip shit), this stuff is pretty cool, and could quite possible save your ass one day. (nobody cares so stop talking!) 

Link: http://www.hightech-edge.com/military-gel-d30-bullet-proof-shock-absorbing-material/4135/