Eww Ewww Ewww Eww!: Man gets eel stuck in his pee’pee!

Im just telling ya’ll that the thing in his pee’pee was no eel, it was my penis. Wait what? Yeah , that’s right, a penis within a penis. ITS INCEPTION ALL OVER AGAIN! *sad face*

WARNING: Any guys reading this, hold your pee’pee’s now! Zhang Nan went to a his local beauty spa, and requested to have one of those eel-fish spa thingys. Before we move on, i just want to clear up, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE WANTING TO BE EATEN BY PENIS SHAPED THINGS. I mean seriously, that’s what Bukakae is for (*deep black guys voice* Awhhhhh yeahhhhh) Anyway, half way through his treatment, he felt a really sharp pain in his tinker (this is where it gets sick):

'I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis

*throws up all over keyboard* I wish this was the worst of it, but no, it just keeps it on going, THE HORROR

'I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis”

AHHH why did i have to choose this story, now i’m trying to guess where letters are on my keyboard as there is sick everywhere. SEE WHAT YOU GUYS DO TO ME, I QUIT! But seriously, i wish this was the end, but it gets even worse. The doctor who led the operation to take the eel my penis out of his penis said:

"The diameter of the urethra in a man’s penis is just a little narrower, but because eels are quite slippery, its body worked as a lubricant and so it got into the penis smoothly,’

Atleast we all now know that to enter a man’s pee-pee all you need is Lube, AND LOTS OF IT.

Lesson Learnt: Lube can sort out any situation, like that time me and your mom did tha………

Too Hot to Handle: Irish pensioner dies from spontaneous human combustion’

(This actually me just trying to catch a tan. I know its not the best way, but the recession hit hard on me bro!)

An old Irish guy was found dead drunk in his house leprechaun shoe, and it is believed that he spontaneously combusted. If you were to ask me, he probably drank so much that when he tried to light his pipe, he went KA-BOOM-BOOM. The coroner  leprechaun who led the investigation trail to the pot of gold said it was the first time in 25 years he had ever seen this sort of thing. Me? Nahh I see this shit all the time. People just see my face penis and explode due to its abnormally big small size. STOP STARING ALREADY. 

Lesson Learnt: Smoking and drinking is a bad idea the bestest thing you could ever do ever *cheeky grin*

Is this even legal?: Spanish naked gym exercising session’s

NI**ER SAY WHAT?! You gotta be shitting me right? But on the plus side, atleast there is a relevant photo…….(however it is of two droopy saggy old people)… INSTANT BONER.

That’s right kids! all for a measly, retina burning price £0, you can witness the most  beautiful disgusting thing in your entire life! I still cant understand why they would do this?  THINK OF THE CHILDREN (not at the gym though, as that would just be fucking sick……..giggidy) ANYWAY, a gym in Spain is now offering naked gym sessions open to anyone willing enough to get crunk. I mean who doesnt want to be doing sit ups, and see a 50 year old man’s wang flopping all over the place whilst he’s on the treadmill? (I know I would). If i was there, I would go MILF GILF hunting, and use the rowing machine as an elaborate sex contraption named The Pussy Pounder (all rights reserved, bitches) 

Lesson Learnt: The people in Spain are horny mother-fuckers!! 

I would do that: Pub singer arrested over singing Kung Fu Fighting in front of Chinese people

Im only doing this post so I can include this picture, or because i have nothing better to do, WHO KNOWS (not me thats for sure) 

This pub singer in the Isle of Wight was casually singing at as bar. The song that the decided to sing was Kung Fu Fighting (HIIIIYHAAAAA). At the same time some Chinese dude walked passed (im guessing in Tuxedo’s, with sunglasses and a samurai sword strapped to their back), and got aroused offended, and then called their private ninja’s the Po’Po. The guy is now under arrest for racial harassment and is currently being fucked up the ass by a prison warden named Beatrice (she’s got a strap-on, or is a man, either way it was huge!). I do feel sorry for the guy though, i mean its not as if when they walked passed he shouted,

"WHEE AR CHINESE PEPOWL" *whilst squinting his eyes, and drinking Saki*  (however I would pay to see that) 

Lesson Learnt: LETS ALL DRINK SAKI!!!!!!11

JUST LOL: Douchebags break into SAS van, Smelly outcome.

I hate the youth of today (but you are the youth of today) SHUT UP MOM!

Some teenagers in Manchester decided to go out for a nice family dinner  Van-breaking-into-just-for-the-crack (couldn’t they just of masturbated or something? Its what I do anyway…) Meanwhile, The SAS were doing a secret training mission, and were in an unmarked black van. Can you see where this is going? (Not really.) The surround surveillance team said that if the teenagers do break in, to give them a little treat (Gotta love the army, except for the daily butt sex. Im joking, its oral.). Anyway, the teenagers did decide to break into the van, probably THE stupidest thing they could have done. The SAS guys, fully kitted out with guns, gas masks, lube, etc, performed a routine "GET THE FUCK ON THE GROUND!!!!!" check. (id give them an 7/10). The look on the kids faces must have been a sight of pure beauty. Kinda like your Mom Nan. It would have been like walking in on your parents having dirty butt sex, but with your gun to your face. (giggidy giggidy goo) As well as this, they probably shat a brick House. I guess its pretty safe to say that they wont be breaking into vans for a long time, or walking for that matter, as their ringsting must be fierce! *sings Ring of Fire - Jonny Cash* 

Lesson Learnt: Dont fuck with the army, or they will fuck you. (why else is their acronym an anagram for ASS)