Wait, What?: Game show in the Netherlands ‘pits asylum seekers against each other’

I know you guys are thinking, “Why doesnt the picture load further down any more” trust me, I waited about 10 minutes for it to load, and all I got was a concussion  and a really muscley right arm…… IM A LONELY GUY OKAY!

I know you are probably think im making this up, but im being one hundred percent serious! This game show literally puts a bunch of people that have been denied access into the country on a game show, in which they answer some questions about anything clogs and windmills, in attempt to win a cash prize SOME LAAAAAAAAAAAAAGER! Here is a quote which made me laugh puke:

'The candidates are not actors, they are genuine unsuccessful asylum seekers who have to leave this country within a month or two. Consolation prizes include tulip bulbs and a bullet-proof vest.”

Wait, im sorry, WHAT?? Not only are you making fun of that they are not allowed into the country, but just to rub it in, We’ll give you a bullet proof vest, JUST TO REMIND YOU OF WHAT A SHIT TIP YOU JUST CAME FROM! MW HA HA HA!!11 I think this show is a disgrace fucking brilliant! I would watch it, but I might get distracted by the stupidly hot show girls, and might try attempt to get deported just so I could see have hardcore butt sex with them……..SHOTGUN RECEIVING!

Lesson Learnt: Windmills + Clogs = LAGERRRRS ALL ROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111


Eww Ewww Ewww Eww!: Man gets eel stuck in his pee’pee!

Im just telling ya’ll that the thing in his pee’pee was no eel, it was my penis. Wait what? Yeah , that’s right, a penis within a penis. ITS INCEPTION ALL OVER AGAIN! *sad face*

WARNING: Any guys reading this, hold your pee’pee’s now! Zhang Nan went to a his local beauty spa, and requested to have one of those eel-fish spa thingys. Before we move on, i just want to clear up, WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE WANTING TO BE EATEN BY PENIS SHAPED THINGS. I mean seriously, that’s what Bukakae is for (*deep black guys voice* Awhhhhh yeahhhhh) Anyway, half way through his treatment, he felt a really sharp pain in his tinker (this is where it gets sick):

'I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis

*throws up all over keyboard* I wish this was the worst of it, but no, it just keeps it on going, THE HORROR

'I tried to hold it and take it out, but the eel was too slippery to be held and it disappeared up my penis”

AHHH why did i have to choose this story, now i’m trying to guess where letters are on my keyboard as there is sick everywhere. SEE WHAT YOU GUYS DO TO ME, I QUIT! But seriously, i wish this was the end, but it gets even worse. The doctor who led the operation to take the eel my penis out of his penis said:

"The diameter of the urethra in a man’s penis is just a little narrower, but because eels are quite slippery, its body worked as a lubricant and so it got into the penis smoothly,’

Atleast we all now know that to enter a man’s pee-pee all you need is Lube, AND LOTS OF IT.

Lesson Learnt: Lube can sort out any situation, like that time me and your mom did tha………

Too Hot to Handle: Irish pensioner dies from spontaneous human combustion’

(This actually me just trying to catch a tan. I know its not the best way, but the recession hit hard on me bro!)

An old Irish guy was found dead drunk in his house leprechaun shoe, and it is believed that he spontaneously combusted. If you were to ask me, he probably drank so much that when he tried to light his pipe, he went KA-BOOM-BOOM. The coroner  leprechaun who led the investigation trail to the pot of gold said it was the first time in 25 years he had ever seen this sort of thing. Me? Nahh I see this shit all the time. People just see my face penis and explode due to its abnormally big small size. STOP STARING ALREADY. 

Lesson Learnt: Smoking and drinking is a bad idea the bestest thing you could ever do ever *cheeky grin*

AWHH HELL NO!: Bloblfish near to Extinction

Awhh just look at that slimy disgusting vile looking snot-drooling thing…….What I was talking about the picture YOUR FACE. (Come on, tell me you didnt see that coming?) 

DAYUM NATURE, YOU SCARY! Im afraid it is true. Mr Blobfish over here is nearing extinction. I’m not sure whether we should all be jumping for joy, or masturbating, what, WHAT? I didn’t say nuthin’, why is everyone looking at me? *tries to imitate the Blobfish’s Face*. In a way I do kinda feel sorry for the guy, I mean its not like he’s done anything wrong, except for looking so depressed it makes me depressed , and so I end up on my bedroom floor contemplating suicide whilst listening to My Chemical Romance………dont lie, we’ve all done it, RIGHT? Anyway, here is what the experts have to say about this emo-fish cuttin’ himself and shit:

increasing levels of deep-sea fishing in Australia and Tasmania for crab and lobster mean that they are being dragged up with other catches in increasing numbers.”

STUPID AUZZIES, go play cricket or something, however playing cricket with a Blobfish would be cruel HIL-ARIOUS. But in all seriousness, lets hope that these little depressed things dont go cuttin’ themselves just yet.

IM BAAAAACK, AGAINNN!

I just thought this photo was HILARIOUS, who doesn’t like seeing a ginger kid crying……..EXACTLY! I thought i’d put it in to get your attention. Now that I have it, I’m going to rape you………wait, I meant…..no, I meant rape.

Im actually gonna try and keep up with this thing, FO’REAL! and if not, you have the full right to punch me in the face Penis

Much love to everyone who actually takes time to read the pointless things i have to say about pointless stuff!

Your’s BITCHFULLY

God. 

What The Fuck?: Man tries to take Pony on Train, Fails miserably

Yeah well, this one time, I tried to take something really big and fleshy on the train, and they would allow me to travel either. What, it was my ham sandwich?! I’m joking, you guys know what it is….right?……RIGHT?…….STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Here shows CCTV footage released by Arriva Trains Wales shows an man trying to take his pony onto a train. At 7:02 he was seen trying to enter the train  in Wrexham with his pony, and got rejected immediately. WHAT?! I KNOW! I dont see why they rejected him! Its not as if he was gonna start riding it up and down (thats what she said)  the isle, shitting all over peoples faces. However that would be disgusting hilarious! All he needs is some battle armour, then he would look bad-ass. What confuses me is, how the fuck did he get there in the first place? I’m imagining he used the pony to jump over the barrier things whilst shouting, "FOR FREEEEEEDOM!!!!!" in a bad Scottish accent with blue paint all over his face……….too much? (Yup.) 

Lesson Learnt: You cant take Ponies on trains (ewwwwwww not like that, okay, maybe like that, but still.) 

I’MMMMMMMMMMM BAAAAACCCCCCCCCCK!!!!!

We know your bla…oh wait. 

THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS! IM BACK HORNY!!!!!! Sorry if you guys were really happy mindlessly bored and wanted something topically interesting to read and didn’t find it, because i wasn’t here, I was to busy being not busy (Wait, what?!) Anyway, stick around as ill be posting things hopefully daily , or whenever the fuck I feel like updating it, BITCH. *cheeky grin*

PEACE AND LOVE

Super Chocolate Bear *signature* 

I want 200, in every colour possible: The Apocalyptic Survival Tool

What is the need for a mysterious contraption like this?! Well so you can literally “save your ass” in a zombie your mum invasion (same difference though right?!) 

This funny looking thing is called my penis The Crovel, and just the thought of it makes every little boy grown man jizz a little like a sperm whale. It basically another elaborate sex toy the Swiss Army Knife of Shovels, and contains 13 different tools on one thing. Here is a list of the things it contains:

  1. Shovel
  2. Crowbar
  3. Nail Remover/ Door Opener
  4. Axe
  5. Hoe (I have no idea what it is, accept for a word to describe you!)
  6. Hammer
  7. Serrated Knife 
  8. Saw 
  9. Cleaver Cleavage
  10. Machete
  11. Can Opener 
  12. Grappling Groping Hook
  13. Chair

I use my Groping Hook all the time, however its more stick shaped, and attached to my body………...JESUS WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASSUME I’M TALKING ABOUT MY PENIS (because I am) MOOOOOOMY MY FRIENDS ARE PICKING ON ME *sad face* . The one thing I don’t get is why they have a can opener on there. Seriously? How the hell would you be able to open a can, without smashing it to fucking shreds?! To be honest, (tbh lol shut the fuck up) I have no idea what half the things that are on their do, and neither should you (Wait,what?!) WHO CARES! just buy it, it could save your life, unless you have a penis like mine, then your safe. 

Lesson Learnt: You are a "Hoe" and have a big "Cleavage", now come "Hammer" my "Crow Bar"

I want one!: Uber fast Mobility scooter takes on plane and wins!

I dont care how you look at it, this guy has balls ovaries of steel!

A guy named Colin,(seen here taking a massive dump on the go) race modified a mobility scooter. You can tell this guy doesn’t get laid much, accept for the line of Gran’s lined up outside his house to test out his suspension” *wink wink, puke*. He put a 125cc motorcycle engine in the back just to see if it would work, tested  it out on a public road. He ended up with a speeding ticket registering 75.9 mph on a 30 mph road, and somehow avoided going to court (probably by giving a blowjob to the policeman, its what i’d do ive done). Anyway, he thought it would be cool to have a drag race against a aeroplane, and got his head chopped off! Well…….not quite, he won and lived to tell the tale (selfish bastard). He is now working on a 250cc engine model, in which he hopes to beat a superbike…… That aint happening. 

Lesson Learnt: Grandma’s are not too keen on anal…. 

Ewwwww!: New York artist creates cheese made from breast milk

HOORAY, A RELATED PHOTO!! (too bad its a fat women with her droopy Mc-Droopletons out on display, next to what i think is a chessemaker vibrator)

The one thing that annoys me the most is that it says "Artist". Seriously, she makes milk from her fucking breasts and its called art. I dip my hand penis in a paint can and slap it on a random guys face on the bus, and I get a lawsuit and a restraining order. SCREW YOU PICASO! Basically this women thought it would be artistic to find 3 nursing women, stick some turkey basters to there titties and yank like a motherfuckerWell, not like that, but who cares? (Me). Anyway, she then did some boring stuff and then turned it into cheese. Here is the disgusiting part;

"There a 3 Distinct Flavours, West-Side Funk, Midtown Smoke and Wisconsin Chew."

I’m sorry, what?! Flavours of breast milk cheese?! *Puke’s in cup, drinks the cup, puke’s in cup again* They may as well be called one thing, Blue Stillborn (low blow i know, but funny, right? RIGHT?) 

Lesson Learnt: Picaso is a douchebag.